Endangered specie

This is the house. Under this route, under this sun, under those circumstances. Viral it is not. In fact… YOU
YES YOU
YOU, that will probably not read this, because it seems I’m alone on the Internet…
Well, this has become really painful.

So, it’s been a while, some stuff happened, too much stuff. Finally got some time to think and clean what’s left of my life after a few months working my ass off in Japan to pay for my three-wheel motorcycle in Canada. I didn’t need that, but that’s another story. I unvoluntarily have some time off now because I broke a bone in my left foot…..
After the last post on this blog, I had embark on a journey in Hakuba, Nagano to work at a ski resort. I didn’t think I’d fit in at all, the first days were horrible since I could barely speak Japanese. Eventually I got better, mended my head, or the inside of it. Could start snowboarding which has been a very very good thing. Finally I could start to enjoy after about a month… I made a few friends, kept contact with them on Facebook. I didn’t go out as much as I would’ve liked to because every day at work was tiring and I didn’t have much money. I also felt something for a coworker but she blatantly started ignoring me like if I was a mere dog.
April 1st meant this was all over in Hakuba. I headed to Takayama and lived there like in a dream working at an hostel 4 hours per day and doing bicycle the rest of the time around town. My friend Rina and me had some great fun too. This was AWESOME.
Then on April 19th I embarked for yet another journey this time in Kamikouchi, a big natural prison located in the most remote valley in Japan, at the heart of the Japanese Alps. I was going to work at the souvenir shop and café of an hotel. The first few days was training and then we suffered the Golden Week where a lot of people came. This was literally the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. My Japanese level still being quite low, I had a hard time following and my manager was speaking so fast I couldn’t understand half of what he was teaching us to do. Well, everyone was new at this job. My colleagues, and in fact all of the staff, spoke ONLY Japanese, except for one girl in management I happened to meet one or two times… Considering that the hotel I work at is quite classy, the rules and manners are strict and self-presentation really important. Nevertheless, I made it, I could get in the beat after about 1 month and I have been able to learn a lot. I had the chance to work with one-of-a-kind Japanese lady of my age which I naturally fell in love with and then she started ignoring me, like all the Japanese girls do…. Every single Japanese girl I’ve ever met and talked.. stopped talking to me. Every single one of them just blatantly decided they would just ignore me for the rest of times. This is very frustrating when it’s literally EVERY ONE…. Anyway this time, this particular girl she wants to learn English and French, yet she speaks very little English so I managed to have her understanding and she helped me understand work by explaining me stuff slower than the manager. My manager speaks and act so fast, I think he drinks 10 coffees in the morning and then try to calm the fuck down by smoking an entire pack of 20 cigarettes during the day and at the end he’s exhausted.
Nevertheless, mid-June I was coming out of the dormitories with my cans and recycle when I tripped and fell down hurting my left food badly. Went to the clinic and the doctor said it didn’t look that bad and it was probably just a strain. So I continued working with that pain without really knowing anything about what was going on in my foot. One week later I decided to go to the hospital in Takayama since I had a day off and it was still hurting. After waiting 5 long (not) minutes in the waiting room of the emergency, I finally saw a doctor and he sent me to X-rays. When I got back he said something like : “Dude, you’ve fucked up your motherfucking foot real bad bro'” in Japanese keigo (super-respectful) language. And so I had a crack in a bone and it would need to be immobilized for a certain period of time so they wrapped my foot up to down the knee with a cast made of laminated 3M plastic bands, pretty revolutionary in my idea, never seen that before. I was shocked. This meant I would have to give up working.
I had to give up after all. One week later, still living in the staff dormitories of the hotel in Kamikochi, they kindly urged me to pack the hell out of my junk and get the hell out of there, forcing me to go to some place I didn’t find to stay at. They made a call to a contact they have in Matsumoto and secured an appartment for me on third and last floor of a nice building near Kita-Matsumoto station. One month. No deposit, no key money, no garantor, 300$ for the month + electricity, water and gas charge. I’m pretty happy with that especially it’s a nice and quiet place. But I had NOTHING in there, just my stuff and a futon they lent me. Nothing to cook, nothing to sit down, no furniture, curtains, NOTHING. I was wrecked, completely screwed. I cried a lot. I said to myself I should have searched more, ask ALL of my friends, find a cheaper place, whatever…. but I didn’t have much time before that and no mean to carry my stuff, having to walk with crutches…

So here I am now, after some shopping I could manage to live here temporarily, with very little money I have left. I didn’t see anyone I know for the last 15 days now except one time I went to Takayama to the hospital again and passed by my friend’s hostel she’s working at. So… it feels pretty lonely… pretty painful… But I managed to out-think myself and do some stuff, sort my junk and throw out some stuff I didn’t need.
Now I try to see the sunny side of the street.
Now I try to convince myself that it’s not over yet.
Now I try to think that I didn’t fail yet, that I still have two months left here in Japan, in my dream, my real life, everything that I ever dreamed of, even in this state, here, because every time I go out of this apartment, I once again see that I live in the best country in the world, even if it’s not perfect, it’s good enough for me and if you know me, you know why and you know what this means. END
btw if by the end of July my foot is mended right enough, I’ll probably go back to work at that hotel and annoy the shit out of that dream girl I worked with… She will probably be shocked and put on a poker face, ignore me and speak to me strictly for work purpose I guess… Can’t help it… Japanese girls doesn’t seems to like me at all…… 😦

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Morning mist

When your life is “low on batteries”…
When anything you were hoping to materialize is too far gone to be saved…
You just kept on “living” for so long… without having the willpower or, most importantly, the support and the words from people around you… even if they didn’t agree in what you were hoping to do…
You forgot about yourself…
You forgot what love is, a long time ago…
You forgot what life really feels like……………………..

I was getting high on hopes at some point, but everything vanished like the morning mist :

I’ll always remember the day you let me starr in your heart…
No matter where you might be now…
Have you ever think again about me!?
Even if it has been on a lonely boring evening…
When you thoughts went to explore various sceneries…
I hope I stirred your world just enough so you could remember me..
But not bother it too much for you to get any scrambled ideas..
You always seemed to live in a beautiful dream..
And that’s where I want you to feel to be..
I know we might not know each other well
But I hope you see how far I’m getting…
To be as sincere as I’ll ever be…

That day

Finding, matching and mixing songs to do a CD mix compialtion is pretty much the same as writing a novel, or assembling and detailing a picture album…
It takes so much time… You’ve really got to appreciate that song you chose, that passage you imagined and wrote, get yourself immersed in the story, appreciate that picture you took, the moment you chose to do this…
And you know what?
I’ve been doing all three of those things…

Years have gone by… MANY YEARS
All this time, I neglected my heart, feelings, love…
Like I denied that strong will inside of me..
I’ve drained all my tears…
all hope vanished… dreams have been crushed…
I’ve come to a point that I’m walking alone in circle in the desert…
Even if recently I’ve felt some flecks of dreams reaching me from afar… Sometimes I think they’re only a mirage…
And sometimes I put all my life in hanging to that tiny ephemeral flecks……..

So now I feel completely worn out, tired, stricken, starved, LOST…
I feel I can never get back what I’ve missed…
I”ve gone totally overboard…
Now if only you could save me… maybe many will try but will withdraw
Even if there’s barely anything complicated involved
But I’ll be waiting for this all my life…
I’ll be waiting for you all my life…
For you to be my sunlight, my reason to live, to move forward, together
Change my life
Who are you? Where are you?
Have we met already?

I know I will recognize you somehow, someday…
We’ll already know that we’re not perfect…
And so,
I will continue to walk, slowly, and remain myself, remain true, keep myself as humble, demure, open-minded, wise and sane as possible and never lose that tiny bit of hope I have left…
So that day you can ask me to be whatever you want me to be
Carve in me whatever you wanted to have in your life
Teach me all the dreams you ever have so I can help you accomplish them

Lonely planet

feeling strangely blah…
as a small light in the night
tonight I braved the snow storm and the icy roads…
I went out of my way on a 80 km uneasy car trip..
tonight, I gave a Christmas present to someone dear to me…
someone that has been forgotten by everyone, unforgiven, let alone to hang onto life by a single thin, almost invisible wire..
someone on the verge of falling into the cracks of life…
but as always, I’m only a poor simple man too… not too far behind…
the only hope I had is to get this person to see the dim light of life that remains…
tonight, I took the long way home.. crying…

As if I was about to be forgotten

As this bright autumn day ends
As hearing that all secrets someone knew
Were lost forever
Feeling like you were one of these secrets
Of one person that wanted to forget you
Everything you hoped vanished
Only the love keeping you alive
Remained
Burning your life, burning your dreams
Right on top of your skin
Right in front of you
Squeazing your heart
If only they knew
If only they felt
The beautiful dreams
That once were flourishing
They said nobody will ever want to talk about it
Let’s forget forever
Even when you know it’s impossible
That’s the world going by
And you’ll be missing that person forever…
Unheard, unseen, undiscovered, ashamed of yourself
Of ever mentioning that person’s name again…

Well there are times like that…

I just came back from my second trip to Japan. And now, two weeks after, I’m getting sick, not physically… I mean, I have the blues, big time. Last time I came back from Japan in 2011, it wasn’t that bad, the blues went by and I’ve continued living pretty much like before, only a little bit shook by the atmosphere and impregnated with values, ideas and memories…
But now, it’s deeper than that. I’ve met so many new and nice people and made so many memories. Moreover, since I was pretty much on my own, knowing my way around, I had plenty of time to think. Not that I didn’t have time in 2011, more that in 2011 it was the discovery, the taming process. Now, my life has been completely hustled, and it’s being part of me, and/or a part of me has been left there still… Also, I’ve met someone that left a big imprint in my heart and in my mind… You know, THAT special someone you dream of meeting for a long time and you think you’ve just miraculously found…
Someday I just wish I’d just go and lost myself in Shikoku, Chūgoku or just Chūbu…. even there… deep are the woods…
I love Japan so much now… so much more than my own country… Every instant, every breath I now take I wish I could just live in Japan forever…
You’ll ask me why, but it’s so complicated but simple to explain at the same time!!
I learned so much and went so deeply in Japanese culture, history and ways of living of today that I think I’ve made it to a point that few people made it in order to adapt themselves at living in Japan and being culturally embrassed and smoothly swallowed into the way of living there… AND I DON’T EVEN LIVE THERE YET!!!
Not sure how I could describe this but many times, people that I know wondered about many aspects and asked “why japanese do this?”, “why japanese that?” and I could explain it to them, or at least try to put the obvious reasons in their heads without them refusing too much to believe it….
I might still be a beginner at speaking and reading japanese myself but I could understand a lot more in Japanese than I thought in the last year than I did in the last ten years….
Go figure…

Yourself

Ah… the things you do to yourself and make yourself do sometimes gets wrong, sometimes you feel like letting yourself loose, let go of everything, get lost, willingly… get out of your own life and live your dreams, even if it’s for a short period…

I’m preparing myself for going in Japan for two weeks…

only two weeks, will it even be enough??

I feel like I have big wounds and they would only heal there…
I might need help to open my heart, which is dusty like an old pirate’s trunk, but probably full of treasure and unbelievable finds..

Loneliness

Bien des choses ont changées. Le temps n’est plus le même, la passion n’est plus la même… J’arrive difficilement à me retrouver, mais j’aimerais aussi bien me perdre encore plus…
Mais mes rêves sont toujours les mêmes. J’ai juste l’impression de tourner autour sans jamais me rapprocher du but… Et je m’essoufle constament…

Comme je le mentionnais dans mon dernier post : https://isunajapan.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/time-will-not-solve-everything/
; j’ai du mal à continuer, j’ai besoin d’avancer sans sentir que je suis dans le vide, j’ai besoin de confiance, de repères, de gens sur qui compter…

;(

多くのことが変わりました。時間は同じではありませんが、情熱は同じではありません…私はやっと私を見つけることができますが、私はもっと私の両方を失うことになる…
しかし、私の夢はいつも同じです。私は目標に近づくまで私なしで回ってように感じる…そして、私は常に蒸気が不足している…

https://isunajapan.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/time-will-not-solve-everything/:私は私の最後のポストで述べたように
、私は続けることができない、私は真空中だということを感じることなく前進する必要がある、私は自信、ランドマーク、に依存している人々を必要とする…

Time will not solve everything…

That time when everything seems perfect… except that one thing time cannot solve…

– get a decent job CHECK!
– have my dream car(s) CHECK!
– go to Japan CHECK!
– feel at home (even tough I left a part of myself in Japan) CHECK!
– find the nirvana, almost… well, check

What’s next???
I feel like I’m so alone in this life… I could share so many things with someone… too bad it seems time will never solve / let that happen…
I miss you so much… even if I don’t know you (enough) yet…

I’ve done so many things in life… mended numerous cars, helped a lot of people, did some great things, went to school, never found a job in what I studied for… well.. I’m glad I’m still here…

Went to Montreal this saturday

Went to Montreal yesterday to meet my friend Roxane and we went to Sushi St-Denis for supper, they have a 24.99$ all-you-can-eat (prices varies depending on the day of the week). We had a blast!!! Sorry I have a wierd face.
I also took some other pictures on my short voyage :

Snow on the road because of the winds..

The Olympic Stadium from a distance :