Ce jour là…

Well, this has become incredibly painful.

The way back isn’t an easy one.
The fact of living this life is crushing me. Not sure how much longer I’ll be able to withstand this.
So I just got home one week ago and start getting all the mocking comments from my family, friends and acquaintances that I’ve failed and I spent one whole year enjoying myself and spending money. Sometimes I feel like I just want to kill myself.
Yes, the goal was kind of hidden but… The goal was to be able to stay in Japan.
All this year I’ve been in Japan, I’ve been thinking about this time awkwardly. I have been saying to myself that if I would have to go back home without having found an opportunity(ies) in Japan, that it would mean I failed to what I wanted to accomplish in the first place…

I mean, I had some really good times and met some great people and some friends that might be friends for life, but some people in Western culture only focus on the result. And I’ll be the one to blame, the one who failed, but most importantly the one who wanted to leave behind some responsibilities. I feel like a wreck. I’d even prefer having stayed in Japan illegally at that point… (that’s very risky so I’d figured I’d try something else for now)

Yes I broke a foot while in Japan, and while a lot of people would have gone back home, I stayed in Japan. I worked my ass off for small low-paying jobs and I loved to do it, because I could live, and that’s all I needed. That’s all I needed to be happy and it would still be like this in the future, if I ever get the chance to go back to Japan.
But that is nothing compared to the feeling that you’ve done all of this for pretty much nothing. I sometimes start to regret my decision of going to Japan on a working holiday visa and one of my friend actually warned me when I did applied. I should’ve gone another way, go to University, study anything, get a bachelor degree, and get to Japan and teach English. Since Japan immigration laws are so strict, finding any job is nearly impossible without having a University degree, which I don’t have.

So immigrating to Japan is difficult. Hell yeah :
Finding a job and get a work visa from it require having a University degree or having a company that wants to hire you so much that they will pay the fees for a lawyer to make it possible to get the work visa only with a college degree.
Dating women has proven to be difficult, see darn right impossible. I’ve made contact with many single women, and every freaking single one of them stopped talking to me…
I’ve heard this too many times, even at job interviews : “Find a girlfriend in Japan and marry her, it’s the easiest way to stay!”
I just want to punch someone in the face for saying something like that despite how much I agree with the basic principle of marrying someone to stay. But it’s not like if it would happen from today to tommorrow!!!
So yeah, as immigration laws, there are a lot of complicated stuff revolving around Japan. It appears I’ve seen only the tip of the iceberg. But I’ve been prepared for it. I’ve seen a lot while I was there.
The grass may not be greener over there, but its colour sure doesn’t put me off just yet.

So yeah, I basically failed from the start you’ll say. It would be easy to give up working hard but I’ve always been to the foremost of my ideas and I wouldn’t let go of this one, even after I have broken a foot and having to come back to Canada…

But now, as described in my previous posts, I’m waiting for that student visa thing to come true and then go back to Japan to study Japanese and become “somebody”, not just a guy. And that, I hope, will be the decisive point. I’m putting a lot in this gambling and I fear that my family, especially my father, may not approve.
The good and the bad thing is, I must part with EVERYTHING… and everyone here…
I understand that there will be no turning back. But what’s life if you don’t try your best to follow your dreams? I don’t want regrets. I don’t want to die without having tried. I don’t want to get old and ask myself “what if I would have tried harder, harder than anyone”… Because I want to try, harder than anyone. I don’t have kids now, heck I don’t even have a girlfriend and as much as I really want to be with one, I doubt I ever will… So what’s wrong with going forward with my following my dreams?

If all of this doesn’t work, I can only look downhill from now…

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